Venting

Most people who know me are probably not aware of it, but I have a pretty bad temper. The only people who've ever really had the joy of experiencing it are my family (aren't they lucky!). I don't get mad easily, and I rarely hold a grudge, but there are certain buttons that, when pressed, are guaranteed to set me off. I'm a very nice person most of the time, but when I'm mad, watch out. Afterwards, I can never believe how incredibly cruel I can be. Know those things you think to say, but you'd never actually say them? I've done it. Can't really take that stuff back.

Since I moved away from home, though, I don't really express my anger much. I don't know if it's just the idea that you can say anything to your family and they still have to love you, but my family members are really the only people I don't feel the need to edit myself around. When I get mad here, I just kind of bottle it up until I can take care of it myself. One thing I try very hard to never do, though, is put my anger from one situation onto someone else.

I'm not really feeling well today...not actually sick, just a combination of a cold and too many late nights lately. I got home from work, ate dinner, and lay down for a nap hoping to feel better. I got up around 9, not long after my roommate got home. I said hi and asked how her day was (same thing I do every day when I first see her), and she snapped at me. Okay...thinking if I did anything to upset her, not coming up with anything, but whatever. I kept kind of quiet, then tested the waters again. More hostility.

I had gotten up to watch American Idol, so I turned on the tv, hoping she'd either go into her room or get over whatever was bothering her. She sniped around for another few minutes, then I kind of gradually eased her out of the bad mood, and she admitted that she had had a horrible day at work. Now, I honestly feel bad for her. She works in a day care program, and is surrounded by preschoolers all day (pretty much my definition of hell). And she had a parent yelling at her about something that wasn't her fault, so it's totally understandable that she'd be upset. But is it really fair for her to take it out on me?

I know I overreact to this. Both of my parents act the same way, and I've always been one of the few kids in the family able to get either of them out of a bad mood. I'm kind of a different person at home...much sillier, more outrageous, saying things just for the shock value. I act that way mainly to get attention (it can be hard with 8 people in the house), but also because I can usually make my parents laugh when they're mad. I can usually tell what it'll take to get someone out of a bad mood...whether they need to laugh, just complain, or have someone listen seriously for a minute. And I can be that person. I just hate it when I have to be.

When I have a bad day, I'll whine about it a little, but always in a joking way. If I'm mad at something, or I know I'm in a bad mood, I'll stay in my room or read a book or get on my computer. Just anything to calm me down a little so I'm not spreading the negativity around. Is it too much to ask for the same courtesy in return?

It's difficult to hurt my feelings. There are very few people I care enough about to even give them the power to affect me, and even those people have limited spheres of influence. I'm confident in myself, and I'm secure in my choices and decisions. So you'd think I could handle it when people are mad. This is just one of those things, though...for some reason, my first assumption is that I've done something wrong, and then I feel the compulsion to fix the situation, because of course that's my responsibility.

I have a list somewhere of characteristics I'd look for in a potential relationship. I first made the list a while ago, and it's gone through quite a few edits and rewrites. One of the first things on the list, though, and one that's never changed. I could never be with someone who expresses anger badly. It scares me, and it makes me weak, and I hate that feeling. I try not to be that person, and all it takes is a few sentences, and I'm automatically making myself the victim.

I'm not even reading through this again before posting it...I'm sure it's not very coherent, just my rambling emotional thoughts. I'm not really much of an emotional person; I stay pretty much on an even keel. So I guess I'm entitled to a long incoherent post when it happens. I apologize to anyone who read this far hoping for any kind of meaning or resolution. Just venting, I guess. Helped to write it down. Have a great day! :o)

P.S. I'm ever so grateful for my laptop and my wireless router. I've been hiding in my room all evening. And now I'm going to bed...