Hibernating

I've been hibernating.

I do this on occasion. I don't know what sets it off, but I become completely asocial for a few days or weeks. Recently, I've had no desire for any human interaction.

Generally when I feel like this, I read. I become absorbed in imaginary lives because I don't want to be in mine. I somehow doubt that this is the most healthy way to deal with what is probably some kind of depression, but it's what I've always done. Since I was a child, reading has been my escape. I've always felt like I didn't really fit in, but my solution has been to just open a book and let it take me away.

This time, I realized I really can't do this any more. I generally enjoy my job (or at least tolerate it), but I went for about two weeks without any desire to attend work. I got sick last week, and while I probably could have come in to work, I missed 2 1/2 days because I couldn't develop the motivation to get out of bed. Instead, I sat around my apartment with a book or my computer. When I'm at work, I avoid my coworkers. Instead of eating lunch with everyone in the cafeteria, I've been skipping meals or going out and getting fast food to eat at my desk.

I haven't actually opened any mail in quite a while. I realized this yesterday, when I was setting down what was obviously a bill on top of a pile of letters that have been accumulating on my desk. There's a letter from my sister in there, and a note my mom included when she forwarded some important tax papers, but I haven't even looked at them. I just don't care.

Instead of cooking in my apartment and eating with my roommate, I've been picking food up on the way home and eating it myself before she gets back.

I have no idea what sets off these little moods of mine. They tend to happen most often in winter, but I've felt like this at other times of the year, too. I just don't want to do anything at all.

I finally started to feel better this weekend. Ironically, my roommate was visiting her parents, so I was alone at the time I actually wanted to talk to someone. My sister called me on Sunday and instead of trying to get off the phone we talked for half an hour. I think things are looking up. I just wish I didn't have to fall so hard every time this happens that I need to climb out of a dark hole for things to be better.