The URL of this blog is "life on pause," and one of my earliest posts describes my reasons for choosing this name. Basically, my life was kind of stuck in one place and didn't seem to be doing anything. I was hoping at some point to hit play and get on with it. I think I kind of missed play and went straight to fast-forward.
One of my least favorite things about myself is my fear of change. I remember as a kid crying when my mom moved the furniture in my room. I thought I had gotten over this fear of change a little, but I've realized in the last few months that I really haven't. I did the most gradual move to Grand Rapids possible...starting out living in the dorms and going home every summer, then moving into an apartment my senior year and finally sticking around the summer after I graduated. Instead of looking around for jobs after graduation, I stuck with the one I had been working at since my sophomore year (although I did get a raise and more responsibility). I've basically lived my life so far in a way that specifically avoids making any major decisions. And then I kind of accidentally made one, and things have been snowballing from there.
It started out last summer. My roommate and I were watching a tennis match (Wimbledon, I believe), and she had the idea that we could go see the US Open. We looked into getting tickets, and discovered that it was located in New York City. Over Labor Day weekend, we drove out to New York. We hit the major tourist spots during the day and watched tennis matches at night. Over 2 days, I completely fell in love.
I've been planning on grad school since I finished my undergrad degree, but I was kind of putting it off. Most grad school credits don't transfer, so I didn't want to start somewhere I didn't plan on living for the next 2 years of my life. I had stayed in Grand Rapids because my favorite sister was planning on going to college here, but it was quickly looking like she wouldn't be staying, and I had no real reason to stick around. My job was getting boring, and I decided I didn't want to attend WMU, which was where I had been planning on getting my MBA. I have no idea where the idea of applying to NYU came into my mind, but once I thought of it the idea just stuck in my head. I looked into it and found that it was way beyond my budget, but I decided to apply anyway. I figured if I got in I'd just add to my student loans and hope for a good job once I graduated. (Either that, of course, or declare bankruptcy.) :-b I applied to the part-time program, planning on working full-time regardless of whether or not I was accepted.
When I was looking into attending NYU, I started talking to people about potential roommates and apartments. If I got in, I wanted to be able to make the move with a minimum of chaos, and lining things up early seemed like a good idea. A coworker had a friend starting law school at Cardozo (conveniently right down the road from NYU), and she and I met and seemed to get along pretty well. After talking a few times, I decided to move, regardless of whether or not I was accepted at NYU.
In the middle of May, in a meeting with my boss, I found out that my position would be ending on June 21. It was basically a temporary position to assist with a system conversion at the school, so I had known that when the conversion was over my job as I knew it would be done, but I hadn't really expected to lose the job completely. I had gone through multiple transitions of job responsibilities since I started as a student worker 3 years before, but due to budgetary concerns there wasn't enough reason to justify keeping me. My sister left the school after the fall semester, and I had no reason to stay in Grand Rapids.
So the situation now:
The planning team revised the conversion date. My last day of work here is June 14.
My new roommate (Megan) and I are headed to New York from June 16-23 to look for apartments.
I'm trying to schedule job interviews in NY, hopefully during the week I'm there.
I haven't yet found out if I got in at NYU. I'm not entirely confident...my test scores and transcripts are excellent, but my application essays were horrible and I don't have a great deal of experience.
I'm completely broke. I'm not even really sure how I'm going to pay this month's rent.
The fee to break the lease at my current apartment is $1,000.
My current roommate is moving to Houston on July 9.
I'm moving out of my apartment here on July 16.
I'm moving in with my parents.
I'm planning on moving to New York on August 15.
During the month I live with my parents, I have to sell my car and somehow get the money to move. I also have to manage to not kill anyone. I visited over Memorial Day weekend and managed to have a fight with my mom within 48 hours.
At this point, I have no definite job prospects.
Also, my parents are totally against the move. They hate cities.
So, yeah...when I decide to take charge of my life and make things happen, I guess I kind of go all the way. I've spent the past few months in sheer terror and avoiding thinking about anything real (hence the neglecting of the blog). It's come the the point where denial is no longer possible, and I think I'm coming close to a breakdown of some kind. Either that, or I'm growing as a person. Right now, I'm just trying to remind myself that I really didn't like the whole "life on pause" thing much, and once I actually get to New York things will settle down. If not, I think I want to quit being an adult. Can I do that?